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A Few Things

So if anyone’s been keeping tabs on this blog (and I can see the site stats, so I know someone is) you’re probably wondering why I haven’t updated in about 5 weeks. I’d like to give you a good excuse, like my mother dying or my computer being eaten by wasps, but unfortunately I can’t give such a colorful story.

The truth of the matter is that I’m just lazy and unmotivated. When I started this blog I was working in a high-stress job where all my coworkers had their heads up their asses and I needed something to vent myself and relieve stress. Since I’m not allowed near heavy machinery due to court order, this blog was supposed to be the thing I use to vent my stress in word form. However, the job was only for 6 weeks (and no I didn’t get fired after 6 weeks, the whole program was just temporary) and when it ended at the end of July I found a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I became more relaxed and aloof and this blog seemed like a distant memory that I really didn’t need anymore. And I’m not sure I will again.

So basically what I’m saying is that you shouldn’t expect consistent updates from this blog anymore. Updates will be once in a blue moon and will only happen if I have the time and drive to do them. I’m sorry to disappoint both people who read this blog, but I’m sure that you’ll live without your weekly dose of me in your life.

Some quick notes about articles I said I was going to do:

– I’m not going to do an EVO recap like I said because I was pretty much wrong about everything. I posted my fantasy brackets and EVO predictions on SRK and some asshole pointed out that my SSFIV:AE bracket was a joke and that I didn’t know shit about the game and hadn’t been paying any attention etc. I was about to write a long post to talk about all the lewd sex acts I performed with his mother until I realized that he was absolutely right. I don’t think I’ve watched a single match of SSFIV or AE since MvC3 came out and I know I stopped watching it after MK9 came out. So I’ll own up to being completely wrong about AE. That said, I don’t think anyone would have predicted Latif eliminating Daigo in one of the most hype things I’ve ever seen. Novril made a video that sums it up better than I ever could. As for MvC3, EVO made me confident in my decision to quit that game forever and go back to the far superior MvC2. I was going to smash the disc with a hammer, but I decided to sell it instead because I be mad greedy son. I did like seeing Justin Won’g comeback in the top 16 though. Tekken I only tangentially watched because, like I said before, I don’t play it, but 4 Bobs in the top 8? Really? BBCSII I was surprised with – I mean who would have thought that a Hakumen would have taken Evo? The power of turtling. And I was wrong about Makotos, it seems Noel is the easy win character du jour in CSII. And finally, I was really happy that MK9 displayed not only a lot of hype but a lot of character diversity in the top 8 and high level play of all those characters too. I admit I was wrong about Tom Brady doing well, but at the time I was writing my predictions I forgot that he loses to Reptile badly. I’m not surprised that PerfectLegend won though, he’s an excellent player who plays arguably the best character in the game (even after 6 patches to nerf him). I also didn’t get to check out a ton of the panels, but I did see the SkullgirlS panel and it was quite informative about the game and the new character, Parasoul. So overall, EVO was decent this year.

– I doubt I’ll get too in-depth about “The Problem With Game Reviews” because that topic is pretty preachy. I will make a post discussing how my reviews will work though. I mean, I kind of have to, and you’ll see why when I actually get around to doing a review.

– I might do reviews for InFamous and Wolverine, but the fact is that it’s been a while since I played them, so they’re not fresh in my mind anymore. I do think InFamous is full of problems though and I do love Wolverine and think it’s criminally underrated, so I’ll likely do reviews of both of them eventually.


So that’s all I really have to say. Updates from now on will be infrequent and unscheduled.

“But Gates, how will I know when you update? I mean, I have no life so I could just sit by my computer pressing F5 all day every day, but if a power outage happens I won’t be able to do that and I might miss an update!”

Fear not, little bitch boy, for I have one of them new-fangled Twee-tors that you can follow me at. You can follow me on that and I’ll be sure to tweet everything this happens on this blog because I am SUCH a whore for attention.

That’s all for now.

– Gates

@OpinionatedJ3rk on Twitter


The Problem With Game Reviews Part 1: The Problem

Yeah, I know the schedule said I was supposed to post this yesterday but the fact is that I just haven’t gotten around to it because I’m a lazy sack of shit and I’m fat and ugly and biased towards American Street Fighter players etc. but I am writing it right now so it’ll be up later today. Until then, enjoy this image that shows the general gist of one of the points I’m planning to discuss.

My EVO 2011 Fantasy Brackets

So I know I posted my opinions and predictions on EVO already a few days ago, but today Shoryuken.com posted brackets for the people in SSFIV:AE and MvC3 who are already seeded, so I thought I’d fill them out and give some quick opinions just for fun.

Super Street Fighter IV: Arcade Edition

Top 8 Rundown

  1. MadCatz Daigo Umehara – This year’s EVO isn’t a question of “Will Daigo win?” but rather a question of “Will Daigo even lose a single game?”
  2. Wolfkrone – I talked about it briefly in my longer EVO Predictions article, but the general gist of it is that nobody in America is hungrier for an EVO win than Wolfkrone is. He knows his character like the back of his hand, he knows all the other matchups in the top8, and he just generally knows the metagame really well. Aside from Daigo or other Yun players, I can’t foresee him losing to anyone unless he plays really sloppy for some reason, which is very unlike him.
  3. PR Balrog – Nobody is hungrier for an EVO title than Wolfkrone, but PR Balrog is very, very close. PR ‘Rog also knows his character just as intimately as Wolfkrone does to the point where he can stand up to the Japanese better than anyone else. This is one of the reasons I have him getting third over Tokido – PR ‘Rog has clashed with the murderface before and if he plays perfectly he can handily win.
  4. MadCatz Tokido – If you look up “godlike” in the dictionary, you’ll see Tokido posing over a lifeless victim with the Japanese character for heaven on his back. Tokido is an amazing player and an amazing person, even though he tier whores like a motherfucker. But like I said before, nobody can beat Daigo in this game and if PR Balrog plays perfectly then he can win this match, so I’m going to bet on Tokido getting 4th for now. But to his credit, I will say that it is extremely unlikely that he will place lower than 4th.
  5. DMG Inthul – Inthul is a very strong player who started gaining notoriety when SSFIV came out for not only playing Fei Long extremely well, but for playing him extremely well on a PS3 pad. For those who don’t know, most competitive SF players choose to play on arcade sticks instead of pads because most agree that it allows a more natural feel. But once in a while, a “pad warrior” will surface who displays such incredible skill that it makes you wonder why you paid $120 for a MatCatz Tournament Edition stick. Inthul is an incredibly good player and Fei Long is an incredibly strong character in AE, but the real handicap for Inthul is the fact that PS3 pads are banned from EVO. Using a stick will likely feel unnatural for him, but hopefully he’s had enough time to practice on one.
  6. Infiltration – Infiltration is an incredibly good Korean Akuma who placed very well in EVO 2010. He’s an extremely strong player and I don’t see him having any trouble against anyone besides the Japanese. But he’s no murderface.
  7. Arturo “Sabin” Sanchez – Arturo is a very good player who has been playing Dhalsim since back when he was known as Mahatma Gandhi and has been playing Rose since she before bought a Shamwow. His performance in AE has been surprisingly strong to the point where I’ve decided to be pretty damn generous in some of his matches. Most of the matches I gave him are purely because of his character’s matchup against his opponent’s character, with his Dhalsim being able to take out Dieminion’s Guile and Alex Valle’s Ryu [hopefully]. This is probably the single choice on this list that I am least certain about, partly because I’m not 100% sure if Sabin can pull it off and partly because Filipino Champ would probably have this spot instead if he were seeded on this list.
  8. Poongko – Poongko is one of the best players in Korea and plays Seth. Seth has been in the SFIV series since the first game came out on consoles but was nerfed in SSFIV and again in AE. However, this resistance apparently only makes Poongko’s penis harder determination greater, as his performance in AE is nothing short of mind-blowing. His weaknesses lie mostly in his character having the lowest health and stun resistance in the game, meaning that a hard-hitting character like Balrog can give him a lot of trouble, mixup characters like Akuma can make him pay if he guesses wrong, and a single touch from a Yun with full super meter will probably mean an instant game loss. Still, Poongko is probably THE player to watch in the AE event.
Marvel vs Capcom 3
Top 8 Rundown:
  1. EG Justin Wong – Justin Wong’s tournament performances in MvC3 majors is like the structure of a typical Batman story arc – He kicks ass all the way to Winner’s Finals only to be beaten by something he hasn’t seen before and/or can’t handle, he goes back to the EG Batcave to think up some new technology and browbeat minor thugs in a gruff voice in Loser’s Finals, then he figures out how to defeat his opponents, resets the bracket in Grand Finals, and then poses dramatically in the night with his oversize novelty check containing his winnings…or he picks Tron like an idiot and loses, but that part doesn’t fit into my metaphor. Anyway, I think that Justin Wong is, in addition to being the best MvC3 player in the world, finally coming to terms with the fact that he doesn’t have a decent Tron and that he can’t run characters on his team just for the assist like in MvC2, so I think that as long as he remembers this and plays his team of She-Hulk/Wolverine/Akuma he’ll have no problem resetting the bracket against Tokido.
  2. Tokido – If you look up “tier whore” in the dictionary, you’ll see Tokido beating Justin Wong just because he had Phoenix on his team. Tokido is an amazing player but a horrible person, in part because he tier whores like a motherfucker. In my longer EVO Predictions article, I went over how much I hate Phoenix and why in great detail, so it should be no surprise that I think Tokido is going to do undeservedly well in MvC3 just for playing this stupid character.
  3. Complexity Filipino Champ – He plays Phoenix, ’nuff said.
  4. UVG Noel Brown – Noel Brown is one of if not the best players on the East Coast and is likely going to be the highest placing East Coast player in MvC3. Noel is incredibly strong and knows a lot about the game and his team. But he doesn’t play Phoenix, so unfortunately he’s going to be forced down to 4th place.
  5. Chris G – Chris G is in competition with Noel Brown for the title of “Best on the East Coast”. He’s also a sort of low tier hero with his use of Ryu which many consider unorthodox. Regardless, he knows his team extremely well and is a very strong player. But again, he doesn’t play Phoenix, so unfortunately he’s going to be forced down to 5th place.
  6. Complexity ComboFiend – ComboFiend is an old school MvC2 player who is also sort of a low-tier hero in MvC3 (and pretty much every other game he plays) for his use of She-Hulk and Taskmaster (before their popularity exploded) and Spencer. He’s a very solid player but hasn’t made any grand showings since he won Final Round 14 by defeating Justin Wong after Bionic Arming Marn into a state of depression. EVO might change that, but I can’t see him getting higher than 5th (because…you know…no Phoenix), and to be honest, that’s pretty generous since Fl0e could easily be a match for him.
  7. Marn – I’m not gonna lie, I don’t like Marn. This is the guy who almost single-handedly killed the US Guilty Gear scene. But I will admit that he is a solid player and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he made the Top 8 at EVO. I can’t picture him placing higher than 7th though because Noel Brown is undefeated against him.
  8. RyRy – Another strong East Coast player, RyRy seems to have somewhat of an affinity for the game. However, not only does he not play Phoenix but he also still plays Sentinel, which will likely prove to be his downfall since Sentinel is one of the easiest characters to fight against in MvC3.

Agree? Disagree? Don’t care? Let me know what you think or post your own brackets in the comments below. I might update this again

Tune in on Friday for my scheduled post about the problem with game reviews.

Rules of This Blog

So before I even start, no, these are not rules for commenters. You guys can talk about whatever you want in the comments. Keep in mind that I do have to approve them though, so if you try to post something too obscene (read: illegal) or if I feel like screwing with your head, I won’t approve your comment.

No, these rules are for me. These will serve as a set of guidelines for me to use on this blog so that eventually when this blog turns into a gaming media empire and ultimately leads to my tragic downfall, you’ll know that Rosebud was my sled. Anyway, here they are.

1. I will post content at least once a week every week.

As someone who spends too much a lot of time on the internet myself, I know that it can be incredibly frustrating when something you like a lot doesn’t update for months or weeks at a time. I’m not going to say any names VGCats but I think we all know web series like that and hate it when they have an unreasonably long time between updates. If people actually do read my blog, I want to make sure that they enjoy reading it and have something new to read on a weekly basis. Until they post comments that is. Then Imma fuck ’em up.

2. I will not write articles longer than ten pages.

Just as my previous point was about not being like VGCats, this point is about not being like certain other overly-verbose game reviewers. A specific example of this I can give is actionbutton.net. Now the people who write for action button dot net are clearly very intelligent human beings and their reviews are very well written and full of intelligent observations on games and the gaming industry. But if they even have an editor at their site, he should be fired for not doing his job. There are reviews that are concise, to the point, and at the same time illustrative of all of a game’s good and bad points, and then there are 32 page rants that constantly go off on tangents to talk about the issue of having numbers in a game and compare Final Fantasy games to Tekken. And that’s not even including Tim Rogers’ favorite story about when he was at the Japanese FFXII launch and some asshole who Tim apparently thinks is indicative of all FF fans (but is really just some asshole) told Yoichi Wada to remake FFVII for the PS3. That story, which Tim Rogers tells nearly every day at every opportunity (FPS reviews, picking up girls, funeral eulogies), takes up a mere page in the article, and the rest of it is just a meandering train-wreck-of-though. This is not good games journalism, good reviewing, or even good from an academic standpoint. It’s just a giant mess and I’m going to spend the next 15 pages talking about it while making dubious comparisons to Spider-Man comic books and posting an Excel spreadsheet at random to somehow prove my point.

Ha, just kidding. But seriously, I hate reading reviews that are longer than the US Constitution no matter how well written they are. When I’m reading game reviews, I just want a thorough discussion of the game, not a fucking dissertation. If I can’t manage to fit something into ten pages, I’ll either cut stuff out until it does fit or I’ll make it a multi-part article or series of articles.

3. I will be objective when reviewing games.

I’ll discuss this point more in a future article when I talk about the problem with game reviews in general, but generally when I read a lot of reviews I find a lack of objectivity, with reviewers often comparing games to other games and talking about external factors like development cycle or business scandals or the weather or other arbitrary bullshit that doesn’t really affect the game itself at all. The latter is particularly notable of late since Duke Nukem Forever was [finally] released to the chorus of “they spent 15 years on this shit?” as if having an absurdly long development cycle was supposed to make a game good. Remember Too Human from all the way back in 2008? That had a 9-year development cycle and it was also a really shitty game. I can’t think of any game that has been stuck in development for 5 or more years that hasn’t been a pile of feces aside from Team Fortress 2, which went through an engine change and a complete visual overhaul during development while the development team was busy making about 5 other games as well.

But I’ll save more of that for later when I talk about problems with game reviews. What I’m trying to get at here is that when I review games (which I will start doing sometime next month), my review score and opinion of the game will be based solely on the game itself. Sure, I may talk about external factors related to the game (especially if I ever review Nintendo games), but know that they will not affect my score. If commenters end up being exceptionally dense about not realizing what I don’t factor into the game’s overall score, I may even add a section to each review saying “The following does not affect my opinion of the game or the review score, shitheads“. I will also focus only on the main mode of the game, and I’ll explain what that means soon.

4. I will abuse my commenters like… OK I can’t think of a good simile, but I’ll show nothing but complete disdain for them (read: you).

I bet you think you’re actually doing me a favor by reading this, you self-important sack of shit. I don’t give a damn about your fucking feelings, faggot. Don’t you have anything better to do with your life than sitting on your fat, diseased ass commenting on some shit that doesn’t mean a dick-guzzling thing in the grand scheme of the universe? Why don’t you go get a god damn job or take a long walk off a short pier you lazy fucking asshole.

5. I reserve the right to break my own rules at any time.

Some people may misinterpret this as just blatant trolling.

… well, it is blatant trolling, but it’s not JUST that.

See, this is just a free site that I’m using to talk about what I love. I don’t want it to get too serious or else it’ll feel like a second job to me. And frankly as long as I’m not getting paid to review games and my site isn’t being counted by Metacritic or Gamerankings, I have no obligation to be professional about this. I’m so not obligated to be professional that I’m not even wearing pants right now!

However, this doesn’t mean that I won’t take these rules or my game reviews seriously. I plan to put a lot of effort into these reviews and because of that I’ll need to at least appear professional and present my opinion in an organized way. However, it’s easier to put in this disclaimer in case I do slip up and don’t follow my own rules as a means of covering my own ass allowing exceptions to these rules.

Join me next week when I give my EVO 2011 Opinions and Predictions.

Hello world!

So I finally decided to start my own blog because God knows we don’t have enough of those.

This blog will mostly focus on gaming, but I’ll post other stuff here from time to time. It should update once a week or so on weekends. Update schedule isn’t set for now.

Here’s a list of what the next few updates will be. Dates can and probably will change.

  • 7/9/11 – Blog created
  • 7/16/11 – Rules of This Blog
  • 7/23/11 – EVO 2011 Opinions and Predictions
  • 7/30/11 – The Problem With Game Reviews Part 1: The Problem
  • 8/6/11 – EVO 2011 Results analysis (aka. I FUCKING CALLED IT #1)
  • 8/13/11 – The Problem With Game Reviews Part 2: How My Reviews Work
  • 8/20/11 – Review: InFamous
  • 8/27/11 – Review: X-Men Origins: Wolverine [The Game]
– Gates